


Not Today

by tnh1722



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec is having a rough day, Alec's support system, Caring Isabelle Lightwood, Loving Magnus Bane, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Supportive Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 23:22:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15959744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tnh1722/pseuds/tnh1722
Summary: Alec rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger trying to remove the sleep. His chest had a heaviness in it that hadn’t been an unwanted visitor in several months. His brain was screaming at him to not get out of this bed. His limbs were filled with lead yet he felt completely empty at the same time.‘Not today,’ Alec thought to himself.---Alec hadn't suffered from a bad day in awhile, but sometimes life piles up on you. However, he learns that it's okay to not be okay and he has people there to love him through it.





	Not Today

**Author's Note:**

> There is no self-harm mentioned or implied. Feelings are discussed/described, but nothing beyond that.

Alec rolled over and groaned while he felt around for his phone on the nightstand. He fumbled until his alarm was shut off and turned onto his back, an arm reaching out for Magnus who was not there. “Magnus?” he called out, receiving no answer. He saw the note on the pillow next to him apologizing for being gone early for an emergent client and promises of dinner tonight.

Alec rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger trying to remove the sleep. His chest had a heaviness in it that hadn’t been an unwanted visitor in several months. His brain was screaming at him to not get out of this bed. His limbs were filled with lead yet he felt completely empty at the same time. 

‘Not today,’ Alec thought to himself. He had conference calls, meetings, training, and reports to do today. ‘At least Magnus isn’t here to see me like this.’ Alec had told his boyfriend of his past duel with bouts of darkness, especially after the rune party-balcony incident, but since staying with Magnus, Alec hadn’t been brought down by a true bad day...until now. Now he is terrified of how long this feeling will stay because in the past, it was never just one day. 

Being Head of the Institute had brought Alec many things, good and bad. Pride, confidence, respect...worry, frustration, stress. Bad outweighing the good as of late. 

He had been short-staffed because of a recent spike in transfers out. Alec wasn’t torn up about the transfers because he knew they were coming from prejudiced, closed-minded parents and grandparents rather than the young hunters themselves. He was torn up about having to start patrolling more than normal, increase in injuries and decrease in productivity. All of those, of course, coming back on him meaning stuffy Clave envoys and mouthy elders. However, he had resolved those issues yesterday. He finally called the Inquistor and sat through five hours of pleading his case, getting new hunters, and standing up for his open-minded approach and in the end, the decision was in his favor.

All those things considered, Alec had been sleeping less, eating less, training less, and seeing his loved one less. Alec knew exactly why he was having a bad day. During all of those things, he was focused on fixing it and now that he had fixed it, his brain was processing everything uninterruptedly. Now with a successful outcome, the darkness was going to take over for a little while to remind him of all the terrible things that was were said to him and all the back-handed compliments he had received that actually held intent to tear him down. ‘Fucking Clave…’ he thought while willing himself to actually be productive today. 

He groaned as he rolled out of bed to get in the shower. He decided to skip his run today, he really didn’t think his body could make it through that much exertion right now. He considered calling Magnus just to hear his voice, but he knew interrupting his client meeting would make himself feel worse. 

After a shave and a shower, the whole morning seemed to be moving in slow motion. He dressed slowly, wearing a thick black sweater instead of his typical dress shirt because he was always cold on these days as if he was unable to feel warm in any way. He grabbed his keys, sunglasses, and phone and made himself a large cup of coffee before heading out, skipping breakfast altogether as he never wanted to eat on these days either. 

The walk to the Institute was almost painful. The bright sun was nothing more than an annoyance as he was still cold and his eyes were sensitive. He prayed to every angel listening for his coffee to carry him through the day with no problems. All Alec wanted was to get to work, shut himself up in his office, do mindless paperwork for eight hours, and then go home and lay in bed. Of course, that was not going to happen. 

The minute he opened the large wooden doors there were multiple shadowhunters at his side asking for signatures, questioning assignments, and requesting missions. Without removing his sunglasses because the Ops Center lights were burning holes in his skull, he signed quickly and demanded all other requests in writing in a tone considered harsh for Alec’s typical demeanor. After a stunned silence fell over the room, Alec stalked out quickly to his office ignoring the faint clicking following him through the hall. 

“Not today, Isabelle. I have work to do,” Alec’s deep voice cut through the hallway as he reached his office. He didn’t even turn to look at her as he entered his office and shut the door behind him. By doing that, he missed his sister stumble to a stop outside his office door with a distraught look on her face. She knew what kind of day he was having from one look at him and she knew that he would lock himself away without asking for help, especially now that he was their leader. 

Jace’s heavy footfalls could be heard all the way through the Institute. He pulled up to a stop when he met Isabelle outside of Alec’s office. His eyes shot worriedly to Alec’s closed door. “Izzy, what happened this morning? Alec is blocking me out and the talk in Ops is that he ‘bit their heads off’ when he arrived.” 

Izzy sighed and wrapped her arms around her middle, instinctive as she craves a comforting embrace from the person who is hurting right now. “He acted like old Alec this morning, before Magnus Alec. He’s been dealing with so much lately and the Clave has been hurting him. We should’ve helped, I should’ve-”

“Iz, stop. You know that he wouldn’t have accepted your help no matter how hard you tried. We just need to be there for him now. Do you think Magnus knows?” Jace asked, his voice lowered out of respect for his brother and not wanting Alec to hear them. 

Izzy rolled her eyes at him. “We both know that Alec would have done everything he possibly could have this morning to hide this from Magnus. I’ll call him and talk to him. You try and get Alec to eat because I know for a fact he hasn’t been eating well lately.”

Jace nodded and pulled out his phone to call in an order to Taki’s knowing Alec couldn’t turn it down. He paced down the hall to ask Clary to go with him to pick it up while Izzy was also making a phone call. She waited for Magnus to pick up only to get his voicemail. 

“Hey Mags, it’s Izzy. I assume you are with a client since you can’t answer right now. I don’t want to worry you, but I know my big brother won’t come to you with this because he is too proud to ask for help. Alec seems to be in a bad place today and he’s not letting anyone in. You and I both know that he won’t react well if he feels that we are ganging up on him, but I just needed you to know what you were coming home to tonight. I think everything that has been going on lately with the transfers and the Clave have finally hit him and he’s feeling it all at once. Whatever he needs, let us know. I just want Alec to feel better. Love you.” 

She hung up the phone and went back to the weapons room to work on her reports. She figured if she couldn’t do anything for Alec directly right now, her reports being on time would at least help him in some way. 

After two hours passed, Jace stomped his way into the weapons room and put a bag of takeout on Izzy’s desk. “You bought me lunch too? Thanks, J,” Izzy said as she tucked into the bag with a smile. 

“This is Alec’s lunch, Iz. He said no, barely even let me in the office. He just kept saying he was fine and that he was going to go home to eat with Magnus. I don’t know if I should be worried by him shutting me out or happy that he’s come far enough to take care of himself,” Jace declared, obviously worried and proud of his parabatai at the same time. 

“Jace, it’s okay to worry about him. After everything that has happened in the past couple years, sometimes I wonder how he is still here with us…” Izzy’s voice caught at those words. Jace placed his hand on hers to comfort her into continuing. “It’s incredible to see him happy now, but it makes sense that this part of him still exists. This isn’t something that just disappears, sometimes I wonder how often he feels this way without letting us see it. We should be proud of him for going home, that’s a huge step for him in the right direction. One that he would have never taken in the past, he would’ve just worked himself into the ground.”

Jace gave her a small smile and walked around the table to wrap her in his arms to comfort both of them. “You’re right, sis. I know he will finish all his reports before he leaves, but he asked us to sit in on his meetings today, he said he cannot handle the Clave today. Are you okay with that?”

“For him, of course,” Izzy answered without hesitation. She was about to ask what the meetings were before Alec showed up in the doorway of the weapons room. He looked slightly paler than normal and his face was expressionless. The dark bags under his eyes radiated exhaustion and they tugged on Izzy’s heartstrings. She hated seeing him like this, no matter the situation. 

“The envoy will be here at 2, I’ve set up correspondence for them in the conference room. Assignments are set to go out at 3:30 and the night patrol has been posted in the Ops Center. Clary is running training since you two will be with the envoy. If you need to make changes, just write it up and put it on my desk so I can file it later. Thank you for taking over,” Alec declared plainly in his Institute addressing voice. He looked down when he was finished as if he couldn’t look at his siblings. 

Izzy looked at him with sad eyes. She hated when he felt like he had to talk to them this way. “Sounds like a great plan, big brother, as always. I hope you can rest this weekend, you need it.” 

Alec lifted his eyes to meet hers with the briefest of smiles, enough to warm Izzy’s worried heart. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier, Iz. I’m just..uh...having a rough day,” Alec said as rub the back of his neck while staring back at the floor. 

Izzy got up at wrapped her arms around Alec even though he slightly flinched at her touch, he left his arms at his sides while she squeezed his torso. She leaned up on her toes to whisper in his ear. “You never have to apologize for how you feel, Alec. I’m proud of you for knowing when you need a break.” 

Alec felt his shoulders release some tension at Izzy’s words as if he was expecting something different from his sister. His arms went around her and he pulled her as close as possible to his chest feeling some warmth trying to wash over his cold weight pressing down on him. He kissed her on the top of the head. “I’m going to head home,” he whispered into the room loud enough for Jace to hear as well. 

Jace came over and held them both briefly before telling Alec to get some rest and reassure him that they would handle the Institute until Monday. Both wished him a good lunch with Magnus and told him they would check in later. 

Alec walked through the doors and hailed a cab because he didn’t trust his legs to carry him home. He put on a good face for his siblings, but he was truly feeling broken today. The darkness creeping up around him, thicker than he’d felt in a long time. All he wanted was to lay in bed by himself and ride out the feeling. He didn’t want to be around people right now, even his siblings which made him feel worse as he knows all they wanted was to help him. 

‘Call Magnus,’ he thought as he walked into the empty loft, feeling the smallest amount of relief that there would be now shadowhunters here expecting something from him. He shook the thought off and walked to their bedroom. ‘Not today, Alec. Don’t interrupt his client meeting.’ Alec walked through the room and shut the curtains tightly so no light could get in the room. 

Alec slowly changed out of his work clothes and put on sweatpants and his warmest hoodie as he was still freezing cold. He got under the covers of their bed and silenced his phone before curling up with Magnus’ pillow. He tried to push down all of his thoughts and worries, remembering all the things that was said to and about him yesterday. After twenty minutes of shivering and thinking, his mind eased and he fell asleep wrapped up in bed with Chairman Meow at his feet. 

Izzy and Jace leave the envoy correspondence thanking the angels that they don’t regularly have to do that. The meeting was painfully boring and yet somehow offensive to people that weren’t even present. “I’ve always respected Alec as a leader, but now that I know he sits through that every week, he deserves all the respect in the entire world,” Jace mumbled. 

“No kidding. All those snide comments about Magnus and Alec thrown in, I was about to get up and punch somebody. How does he do it all the time?” Izzy asked rhetorically while throwing her impeccable notes onto Alec’s desk. No wonder her brother was having a bad day after these past few weeks. She would probably always be in a foul mood had she dealt with Alec’s daily schedule. 

“Like I said back then, Alec was made to be a leader. Thank Raziel otherwise that would be me and I know for a fact I would have murdered someone by now,” Jace joked with a smirk on his face. 

Izzy laughed, but before she could answer, a golden portal sparked to life in the hallway and Magnus strutted into Alec’s office. “Isabelle, Jace, what a lovely surprise,” Magnus announced as he walked across the office to give Izzy a hug. “Where is my dear Head of the Institute?”

Jace looked at Magnus with wide eyes, kicking himself for not checking in with him sooner. Izzy rolled her eyes, not surprised by her big brother’s misguidance, his way of ensuring them not to worry about him. “Alec went home a few hours ago. He said he was having lunch with you,” Jace said with a touch of frustration in his voice. 

“What? I’ve been with an emergency client all day, I left him a note this morning that I would be gone until dinner. Wait, why would Alexander go home midday? He wasn’t injured, was he?” Magnus rushed out as he processed the new information. His worry for his boyfriend growing by the second. 

“Alec’s not injured, but he isn’t okay either. I left you a voicemail, but I assume you haven't checked it yet,” Izzy started while trying to keep a grounding grasp on Magnus’ wrist, who nodded affirming that he hadn't checked his phone. “He is having a bad day mentally. I think everything from the past few weeks caught up with him since he wasn't around any of us or sleeping and eating right. Plus he had a five hour call with the Inquistor yesterday stating his case on the recent status around here and I can’t imagine it was pleasant for him.” 

Magnus sighed and let his worry simmer slightly knowing Alec wasn’t in any physical harm. “I knew something wasn’t right. He was quieter after I returned from the Spiral Labyrinth. I hate that I had to be gone for a week while all of this was going on. I knew he would be more focused about everyone else and let himself suffer.” 

“It’s not your fault, Magnus. He used to have these days all the time before he met you. I honestly can’t remember the last time he has been down like this. I think everything that was said from the Clave mixed with all of us being away on missions caused him to break down a little bit. I just wish I would’ve checked in with you when he left. I should’ve known he would go alone and try not to bother anyone,” Jace said, ending with huff at himself. 

“Jace, if I can’t blame myself, neither can you or you Isabelle. Alexander is stronger than he thinks, he just needs time to recuperate. I’m going to head home and I promise I’ll check in throughout the weekend. Why don’t you two come with Biscuit for dinner on Sunday? I think it would do us all some good after the month we’ve had,” Magnus offered with a portal flashing open at the flick of his wrist. 

Izzy hugged him again before he left, “Sounds like a great idea. Let us know if Alec needs anything, we’ll be there no matter what.” 

Magnus sent her and Jace grateful smiles and headed through the portal into the quiet, dark loft. He saw their bedroom door shut and his heart dropped a little knowing that Alec shut himself away without telling anyone. He opened the door and saw his boyfriend curled up in bed, tightly wrapped in the covers. Alec’s brow was furrowed even in his typically peaceful sleep. Magnus sighed as he walked over to the bed and sat on the side, running his fingers through Alec’s hair.

“Alexander, darling, I’m home,” Magnus whispered before placing a feather-light kiss on Alec’s forehead. He felt Alec shift under his touch, seemingly relaxed compared to his previous look. 

Alec’s hand reached out to grab Magnus’ free one, pressing in to his chest and squeezing his eyes tighter before opening them to meet Magnus’ gaze. “Hi,” Alec whispered hoarsely. As he turned his head slightly, Magnus caught a glimpse of remnant tear tracks on Alec’s cheeks. 

“Oh, Alec,” Magnus said softly has he got up and removed his coat and shoes. With a snap of his fingers, Magnus was in comfortable clothes and quickly removing his jewelry onto his dresser. He hesitated getting into bed, not knowing if Alec wanted to be alone. Alec kept his back to Magnus as if he was scared to move from his spot in bed. “Alexander, can I get you anything? Are you hungry or thirsty?” Magnus asked gently as he moved towards the bed, resting on knee on it and keeping his eyes on Alec’s back.

Alec didn’t move, but he cleared his throat to speak. “Can you just lay with me, Mags?” 

“Of course, angel,” Magnus replied as he moved to get in bed behind Alec. He nudged himself over until his chest was pressed against Alec’s back and his arms were wrapped securely around his waist. Magnus felt Alec’s hands lightly rest over his so he took a chance and intertwined their fingers. His worry softened slightly when Alec squeezed his hands, a sign of thanks that Alec always gave when Magnus held his hands. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Alec took a deep breath as if the question pained him to even think about. Magnus pressed a kiss into Alec’s hair and waited for his answer. “Not today, but later...I promise.”

“That’s fine, darling. Whenever you want to talk, I’ll be here,” Magnus replied with another kiss to Alec’s shoulder this time. 

“Thank you,” Alec whispered, so softly Magnus almost didn’t hear it. Alec felt his body fill with warmth when a quiet ‘I love you’ was sighed into his neck by Magnus. 

Alec let his worries fade then as he was secured in his boyfriend’s arms. His weight in his chest had lightened some and the darkness didn’t feel so cold at that moment. Sure they were still there and they might always have a chance at making their way to the surface, but Alec knew this was the closest he had ever been to beating a bad day. 

“I love you too,” Alec replied, squeezing Magnus’ hands again before feeling sleep take him over again. He realized right then that he was no longer alone for his dark days, he never really was. His brain had always led him to believe that there was no one there, but he finally realized there would alway be someone there. He just had to find them. Alec wasn’t alone. Not today, not ever.


End file.
